


My Heart is Here

by cjmarlowe



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1995-11-15
Updated: 1995-11-15
Packaged: 2020-09-06 12:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20291563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmarlowe/pseuds/cjmarlowe
Summary: When Dax and Kira go to Bajor to attend a scientific presentation on behalf of the station, Jadzia and Lenara make an opportunity to find some closure.





	My Heart is Here

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So I can't quite believe I'm posting this to AO3 in this year of our lord 2019. As far as I can tell, this is the very first piece of fanfic that I ever wrote--or at least the first that I ever posted. Usenet archives are spotty these days, sadly, but it had to have been posted some time between October 30, 1995, when "Rejoined" first aired, and December 16, when I found a record of a repost of the story to alt.startrek.creative. The only thing I edited was the spelling of Bejal's name. It is clearly the work of a fledgling author, but fandom was kind and I kept writing and I like to think I got pretty good at it eventually. :)
> 
> More about the actual story at the end...

"I can hardly believe that Dr. Kahn has gone so much further in her research in so little time," said Kira, turning to Dax, "It's only been...how long?" 

"Three months," said Dax automatically. 

"Three months," mused Kira, "I suppose once she had the data from the experiments on the Defiant, she could use that information--" 

"Kira, you don't have to do this," said Dax, sighing. 

"Oh, I don't? Then what would you rather I said?" 

"I would rather you said 'Jadzia Dax, you will not make a fool of yourself. You will not lose control. You will be perfectly professional.'" 

"I never had any doubt about that. I know you want to hear this paper about as much as I don't. Even if it wasn't being delivered by Dr. Kahn, you would be on your way to Bajor right now to hear it." 

"And you would be sitting comfortably on the station. Isn't it convenient that once they learned I would be attending, they asked for a representative of the station to be there." 

"They asked because it was the station that lent them the resources and the Defiant. It has nothing to do with you." 

Dax was skeptical. "I have my doubts." 

The trip to Bajor was not a long one, but when you have only one thing on your mind, it could feel like an eternity. Three months to get over Kahn? A century hadn't even done that. 

"We may not even get to speak with her," speculated Kira, "After delivering her speech there's bound to be a lot of people who want to talk to her about it." 

"Undoubtedly." 

"And I'm sure she has plans afterward." 

"I'm sure." 

With such an obvious lack of desire to speak on the part of Dax, Kira kept quiet for the rest of the trip and even through the process of setting up their accommodations for that night. It wasn't until they reached the meeting hall that they really spoke again. 

"I can't believe that there are this many people interested in the scientific workings of an artificial wormhole. I mean, the idea is stupendous but the technicalities..." 

"That's why you leave them to me. I find all of this incredibly fascinating." 

"I know," said Kira dryly, "that's why you're here. Maybe I will start blaming you for this trip." She looked admiringly around the room they had entered. She remembered how it had looked during the occupation...all crumbling and full of the wounded. Now...now it was magnificent.

Dax smiled, her good humour returning. "Just wait. I'll see that you enjoy yourself." 

"I'd like to see you try." 

"Shhhh, let's sit down. We're late as it is." 

"How can we be late if they haven't even started yet?" Dax was far too anxious, as far as Kira was concerned. Either something would happen or it wouldn't. Life was too short too live it with a bunch of "what-ifs" hanging over your head. 

Dax never answered. She just sat down near the back the back of the room and focused on the podium. Kira shrugged and sat down next to her. After the speech she would have to pay her respects to the research team and perhaps even to Dr. Kahn herself. That was the primary reason she was here. Of course, Sisko knew she wouldn't mind spending a little time on her home planet. 

Dr. Kahn's speech was, of course, brilliant. What little Kira understood of it, at any rate. She certainly wasn't the first person to ask questions. Dax was. 

*

"How did you know all that?" Kira asked as they walked down the corridor to the luncheon. 

"Having a couple of degrees doesn't hurt," said Dax, "And I was involved in the experiment on the Defiant. I wonder what the effects of the primary shielding on a beta probe would have on the current composition? I'll have to ask her." 

"Don't you think you've asked enough questions, Dax?' 

"Not even close," she answered under her breath. 

The buffet-style luncheon brought back memories of a similar one held on Deep Space Nine over three months ago, only this time the cuisine wasn't exclusively Bajoran. Jadzia loaded up on some of her favorites from her home planet. Lenara wasn't here yet, Jadzia noticed as soon as she entered the room. 

"Are you going out after this?' asked Dax. 

"I have a friend who works for the Bajoran Department of Heritage," said Kira, "I'm meeting him for drinks." 

"I see. Well, I'm sure I can find something to do while you're gone." said Dax, popping a piece of fruit into her mouth. 

"I'm sure," said Kira. Dax's demeanor wasn't fooling her. She wouldn't be leaving Bajor until something was completed between herself and Lenara. All Kira could do was cross her fingers and stay out of the way. 

Just then, Lenara entered the room accompanied by her brother, Bejal, and two of her associates. Dr. Pren, as much as he was involved with the original experiment aboard the Defiant, was strangely absent. Her eyes met with Jadzia's for just a moment, before she looked away. They seemed to express surprise, sadness and love, all in the same instant. All of the things that Dax, herself, was feeling. 

After finishing everything on her plate, Jadzia loaded up again. She wasn't that hungry, but it gave her something to do while she was standing there feeling lost. Kira had already run into someone she knew and was off talking with her. Dax supposed she could strike up a conversation with Dr. Yepari, but her heart wouldn't be in it. 

Dax had come to this event for one reason and one reason only. Was she really kidding anyone? Despite the fact that she enjoyed the presentation as well as the subject matter, she was here to see Lenara. When a Trill joins with a symbiont, their personalities merge; that's why the very concept of this relationship was difficult. Was it Dax's love that was overwhelming the feelings, or had Jadzia found enough in common with Dr. Kahn to form a relationship on that basis as well? If the latter was true, then why should the taboo apply? But there was really no way to tell. Not now. 

Finally Dax caved in and joined a conversation about the ongoing political situation on the farthest reaches of the Cardassian Empire. It wasn't the most interesting thing she could have been doing, but it was something--something that wasn't just standing around or eating. 

It was hours before the bulk of the crowd left the luncheon. With the quantity of renowned scientists attending, it was a reunion of sorts and some people were reluctant to leave. Many plans were made to meet later at a nearby establishment. Every time Dax thought she had the nerve to approach Lenara, her brother appeared at her side as if by magic. Bejal didn't have anything against her personally, she knew. Or thought she knew. He just wanted to protect his sister from the consequences of a relationship with Dax. 

A conversation with Bejal might be just the thing to get herself prepared for a confrontation with Lenara. It would at least rid her of the tension she was feeling. Whether it was a fight or just a friendly chit-chat, something would be released. 

"Good evening, Commander Dax," he said as she approached him. He was standing alone, but his sister was not too far away. 

"Hello, Bejal. And how have you been?" she responded congenially. 

"Fine, Fine." His eyes wandered to his sister and then back to Dax. 

"Listen, Bejal," she said quietly, so the conversation would remain private, "I'm not here to take your sister away to a life of debauchery and exile. I only want to talk to her again." 

"You know the rules as well as I do, Commander Dax," he warned, "As well as we all do." 

"You don't understand. Jadzia would like to be friends with Lenara. Yes, three months ago I would have given anything to spend the rest of my life with her, but time has given me perspective. I have my life and she has hers. All I ask now is that we be allowed to maintain some contact. A friendship that would be far different from the relationship we once had. Can't we even have that?" 

Bejal was silent for a few moments. "It's funny," he said, "my sister asked me the very same thing not a month ago. I could give you the reply I gave her then but...I won't. It would still be a reassociation according to the law, and you know the penalty for that." He paused again for a moment, "Do you understand how torn I am here? I want to do everything in my power to make my sister happy, but I also want to follow the rules of my society. Your proposal seems a fair compromise but..." 

"I understand, Bejal, but you have to understand too. Given the strength of our feelings, this would be a great sacrifice on both of our parts. Please, let me talk to her." 

Bejal looked her over and she could see the pain in his face. It wasn't fair to him to be in the middle of this, but he had too much love for his sister to turn away from it either. "Okay. I'll get her." 

He moved to where his sister was standing and extracted her from the conversation. They spoke for a moment, then came over to where Jadzia was standing. "Hello, Jadzia," said Lenara cautiously. 

"Hello, Dr. Kahn," said Dax, "I was quite impressed by the paper you delivered today." 

Seeing the turn the conversation was taking, Lenara relaxed a little. "Thank you, Commander," she responded, "If it weren't for the loan of the Defiant and your help with the project, we wouldn't have been able to come so far." 

"You're too generous," said Dax modestly. 

"We're having a few people over for drinks after this is over," said Bejal suddenly, "Would you care to join us?" 

Dax was surprised, almost as much as Lenara, but she regained her composure quickly. "I'd love to," she responded, "I was wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my evening. My traveling companion made other plans. You must have been offered some pretty luxurious accommodations to be able to hold a social gathering." 

"The Bajoran government was rather generous," admitted Bejal, "It's my suspicion they want to keep all wormhole activity in their own space." 

Lenara Kahn laughed, "You're far too suspicious." 

"I was just joking!" he said 

"In all seriousness, though," said Dax, "Where am I going and when am I to be there?" 

"If you can wait a few minutes until the room clears out, you'd be welcome to travel with us," said Lenara, "It's a pity we had to stay until the end. We would have been long gone by now, otherwise." 

Dax was secretly delighted by the turn Bejal had taken. He could just as easily have decided to follow the strict letter of Trill law, but his caring for his sister won out. She wondered just how far he was willing to take this. 

*

The Bajoran government *had* been quite generous to the visiting scientists. The rooms they were occupying were far more opulent than anything Dax had had in this lifetime. The rest of the guests were scientists from various parts of the quadrant. Dax knew quite a few of them, to her surprise. Idle conversation was not a difficult thing in this crowd. She had not had much time to spend with Lenara, but she was grateful for what Bejal did turn his back to. 

"Commander Dax," said Bejal in her ear from behind her, "May I have a word with you in private?" It was already late in the evening, and Dax was surprised to find how tired she felt. She followed him into one of the bedrooms in the back. Lenara was already there. 

"I had to wait until almost everyone was gone," he said, then sighed, "I could probably be declared insane for doing this, but for this night and this night alone, I am willing to pretend I don't see either one of you. As far as I am concerned, Commander Dax is back in her quarters on Deep Space Nine." He looked at both of them. "I don't like this," he said, "but if I don't do it, you may decide to do it on your own, and I'd rather my sister be safe from the consequences." He turned to Dax, "In the future, if you wish to communicate--as *friends*--address your communication to me and I will forward it to my sister. It's dangerous, but it's all I can do." Giving his sister a peck on the cheek, he left them alone in the room. 

"I can't believe what just happened," said Lenara, "He's spent the last three months trying to convince me to forget about you. I wonder what made him change his mind." 

"Perhaps it was seeing you so miserable and lonely. He decided to let you have what you want...on his own terms." 

"Maybe it is on his terms, but it's all we have. Dax," said Kahn, her voice shaking, "can you ever forgive me for what I did to you on the station? You know I didn't want to hurt you." 

"But you did," said Dax, "You hurt me a lot and for a while I didn't understand why." 

"Do you now?" 

"Of course, but I wish things there had ended differently." 

"Things didn't end there. If they had, we may not have been able to meet here today. Dax, I was confused and scared and a lot of other things I can't describe right now. I didn't know what I wanted. I always assumed I would have another chance to clear things up with you...and here it is." 

"But what if this meeting hadn't happened? I would have spent the rest of this life wondering why you had been so cruel to me." 

"If I had spoken to you again, or spent one more moment in your embrace, I may not have left the station. We would have been exiled, Dax. Exiled!" 

"I was prepared for that!" said Dax explosively, then cooled down, "I don't want to spend this night fighting." She ran her hand over Kahn's hair, "I know why you did what you did. I may not agree with it, but it's in the past and if we dwell on that there are too many things we could get caught up in." 

"Dax, I love you. I still do, much as I try to fight it. In all of my lifetimes, I've never had another love like this one." 

"I know. I know," said Dax holding her. "Can we agree on one thing, though?" 

Kahn looked at her in confusion, "What?" 

"From now on you are Lenara and I am Jadzia. If we can keep that straight, this will be a lot easier on both of us." 

"It doesn't matter anymore,' said Lenara, "I love you Jadzia. I wish we had more time together.' 

"But we don't," said Jadzia, embracing her again, "We have tonight, and that's all." She gently lay Lenara down on the bed and started to take her clothing off. 

"Tonight," murmured Lenara and kissed her, long and deep and soft, "Tonight." 

* 

Morning dawned far too soon for the both of them. Jadzia awoke with her arms around Lenara's sleeping body and was hesitant to wake her, but she knew that if she didn't, Bejal would be along soon. She didn't want to leave the task to him. She kissed Lenara lightly on the neck, "Wake up," she said. 

Lenara moved and opened her eyes. "Good morning," she mumbled, "did you sleep well?' 

"Better than I have in a long time." Jadzia didn't want to move from where she was, for once she left the bed, their relationship as spouses ended and their relationship as friends began. Slowly, though, she got up and got dressed. A few moments after that, Lenara did the same. 

"Before you go, Jadzia Dax," she said as they reached the door to the room, "I'd like one more kiss." Jadzia was happy to oblige. It was something she would never forget. Then, they opened the door and left the room. 

*

The trip back to the station was a lot better than the trip down. Kira kept asking Dax what had happened to her, but she never got a straight answer. Then again, she didn't need one. She had been hoping that Dax would have a chance to settle things with Kahn, and it was obvious that she had. 

"Jadzia," she said, "I know you don't want to talk about this, so I'll just say that I'm happy for you. I'm glad that you're finally smiling again, but you knew where I stood on this all along. It's a stupid rule and I think that it should be abolished." 

"It's not a stupid rule, but there are ways around it." 

"There are?" 

"There are," said Dax with an enigmatic smile, and that was all she had to say.

**Author's Note:**

> I think it's probably hard to understand these days just how Important the DS9 episode "Rejoined" was when it aired, especially to a baby queer like me. I mean, watching it now it probably seems quaint and mildly homophobic, the central metaphor anything but subtle, and you'd best believe the promotion it got was pretty salacious when it came to the kiss, but it Happened. There was a queer character on Star Trek, even in a very roundabout way. There was a tiny bit of representation, at a time when we took all the scraps we can get. 
> 
> I think I decided to put this story back out there after all this time, warts and all, because of that, because of how it clearly influenced me and how that kind of thing really does matter.


End file.
